The double Standard of Stepmotherhood

No one really tells you what it’s like to be part of a blended family. They talk about love, commitment, and starting over, but they don’t always talk about the everyday moments, the adjustments, the emotions, or what it really feels like to blend lives that already had a history.

When I became part of a blended family, I quickly learned that love alone doesn’t make everything seamless. It takes patience, communication, and a willingness to grow, often in uncomfortable ways. Blended families aren’t something you can fully understand until you’re living in one. It’s beautiful, challenging, and humbling all at the same time, and every day teaches you something new.

I’m sharing this because I don’t see enough honest conversations about blended families.

I had taken a long break from dating to focus on my kids and work. After about a year I was ready get back into it. The one thing I knew for certain was that what I absolutely wanted was a man with kids, because I had kids. Dating someone without kids just wasn’t what I wanted, ever. I was completely done having kids, and it didn’t make sense to me to be with someone who didn’t already understand that life.

So when I met my husband, he checked all my boxes. He had three kids, I had three kids, it felt perfect.

We dated for a while, introduced our younger three kids, and everyone hit it off instantly. It was great. Then COVID hit, my hours at work were about to be cut back, and things were going to get rough. After about four months of dating, he suggested we move in together. It was definitely fast, but we were excited for this big step, especially the kids.

What I didn’t expect was that I hadn’t even met his oldest daughter yet, I had met his son a few times, but they just weren’t around as much when we got together. So when I finally did meet his daughter, it didn’t go great. Not that she was mean or anything there was just a lot of emotions flowing. In that moment, I knew this was going to be harder than I wanted it to be.

The next morning after we fully moved in, my husband left for work, leaving me home with my three kids and his 16-year-old and 5-year-old.

I was terrified, if I’m being completely honest.

How do you parent a 16-year-old and a 5-year-old that aren’t yours? I know how to parent my kids, but my parenting style is different from how they were parented. So how do you balance that? Do you even “parent” them? Is that what you’re suppose to do? Or do you staying your lane, parent your own, and hope the rest follows in time? It was a lot to carry mentally.

I spent the entire day walking on eggshells. I didn’t know if I was being judged by the oldest child. I worried—what if he was texting his mom saying I was awful or crazy? By the end of the night, I was exhausted. I was full of anxiety and completely overwhelmed, to the point where I honestly wasn’t sure I could do it.

After a long talk with my husband, I felt better. I think I was just expecting it to be like any other day, easy. But it wasn’t.

Feeling like you’re being judged by older kids and by the bio mom is exhausting. I definitely parent my kids much differently than my stepkids were parented. I feel like i’m more strict, although my husband would completely disagree. I’m blunt, and straight to the point. Don’t argue, don’t talk back. You’ll be grounded. My kids know when I’m serious and when I’m not.

But disciplining kids that aren’t yours? That’s a hard one.

Obviously, physical punishment is an absolute no—I could never. But grounding and a stern talk are normal and expected in my house, especially since I’m home with the kids most of the time when my husband works.

What really blows my mind is how someone can hear you talk to your own kids when you’re angry and scolding them and have nothing to say. But the second you use that same tone with your stepkids, suddenly it’s a problem. That same correction is viewed differently, questioned, judged, and talked about. I’ve grown entirely sick of that double standard. If a child does something wrong, correction shouldn’t depend on biology. Yet as a step parent, especially and almost always a stepmom, discipline often comes with labels. You’re no longer just parenting; you’re “ Mean” “too much,” or talked about behind closed doors. No one truly understands this dynamic unless they’re living inside a blended family.

And let me tell you, being a stepparent to a young child versus an older teenager is entirely different. Before entering a blended family, I often wondered which would be easier. Now, six years in, I can say without hesitation that teenagers are. The older they are, the less involvement there is with the other parent, and less hands-on parenting is required. With my 16 year old it was cake work, he was great. I helped take him to after school practices or pick ups when he was with us during the week, Helped him practice driving for his permit. He was so easy, and grew up to be a great man. With younger kids, the lines are blurrier, the expectations heavier, and the scrutiny far greater.

I think that weight feels heavier when you’re a stepmom to a young girl. You do everything you can to make sure your step daughter feels safe, comfortable, and deeply care for. You teach her, nurture her, show up for her, all while quietly carrying out the fear that your care is being seen as caring to much, or seen as overstepping. It can feel like a genuine effort misunderstood, as if caring too much or being to involved is being interpreted as trying to be “better than” her bio mother, rather than simply caring for a child who matters to you. When it reality, you’re just loving her the best way you can.

That tension creates a conflict many stepmoms, and bio moms find themselves stuck in. It can start to feel like a tug-of-war when it should never be one at all. Love isn’t meant to compete; it’s meant to coexist. And yet, it still happens. I’ve often asked myself how you move past that. How do you make it clear there is no competition, only a shared desire for a child to feel loved and secure?

Another issue that can arise is when a child feels torn between relationships. Sometimes, a genuine bond with a stepmom can feel complicated, not because the child doesn’t want it, but because they worry it might hurt someone else, or seen as being “disloyal” In those situations, the relationship can start to feel like something that needs to be hidden: outings go unmentioned, fun moments stay quiet, affection is downplayed. I often think about how that must feel for a child, to care about someone, enjoy their presence, and yet feel unable to be fully honest about it without guilt or fear or disappointing a parent.

That kind of emotional weight isn’t fair for a child to carry. No one should feel like loving one person openly means betraying another. This dynamic can show up with younger children and with older teens or young adult daughters, and it can happen with sons as well, but in my experience it tends to affect girls more deeply. It’s another layer of complexity that people outside blended families rarely see.

I truly try to treat all of the kids the same, but there are times when it feels like you can’t. Like you’re expected to treat your stepkids better than your own just because they aren’t yours—and that doesn’t fly here. If any of our kids get in trouble, they’re treated the same way, no matter who they are.

It really angers me that stepmothers get such a bad reputation. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. No matter how carefully you try to show up up, you’re treated unfairly, gossiped about, met with dirty looks, judged based on things you never said or did. Someone hears a story, assumes it must be true, and suddenly you’re the black sheep. More often than not, those assumptions aren’t rooted in reality, but in fear, insecurity, losing control, or unresolved feelings about sharing space in a child’s life, or quite frankly jealousy. It can feel simply existing as a caring stepmother is threatening, as if love must be limited or controlled.

Over time though, the truth has a way of surfacing. People begin to see patterns for themselves. They start to recognize what doesn’t add up. And when that happens, perspectives shift. The narratives that once felt solid begin to crack and the disconnect that follows isn’t created by the stepmother, it’s created by the realization that things weren't as they were made to seem.

I go above and beyond with my youngest stepdaughter, trying to make transitions and even disagreements go as smoothly as possible. I’m mindful of her emotions, I offer extra reassurance when routines change, and I try to create a space where she feels safe, heard, and secure, even when things aren’t easy. She’s old enough now that I encourage her to share her thoughts and opinions on things that are appropriate for her age. Giving her that voice helps her feel included and valued, and it allows her to make decisions about herself in a way that builds confidence and independence.

Now i’m sure you’re wondering about the relationship between bio mom and me. In the beginning it was rough. Over that last six years, though, we honestly haven’t had that many fights or disagreements. And when disagreements did happen, they were never productive, but they also weren't just between her and me.

As time has gone on, our communication has improved. In many ways, it’s actually been easier for us to communicate directly than it ever was between her and my husband. Sometimes, that’s simply because women tend to communicate so much better than men do.

I would’t say we’re friends. There’s too many things I’m aware of that were never meant for me to hear, for this to be a relationship I could fully trust or confide in. It’s always fun to hear things about yourself that you never said or did! While it would be nice if that were possible, I’ve come to accept that it isn’t necessary.

Co-parenting doesn’t require friendship. It requires communication when it matters, consistency for the child, and mutual respect. And that, for me, is enough.

Blended families aren’t simple, and they aren’t something you fully understand from the outside. They’re layered, emotional, and constantly evolving.

I’m still learning, still adjusting, and still showing up to best way I know how. I don’t claim to have it all figured out, I only know that I lead with intention, honesty, and love. And for me, that will always be enough.

The purpose of this blog is to open the door to more honest conversations about all aspects of blending families, both the good and the hard. Too, often people only talk about the positives, as if the struggles don’t exist. And when the harder parts are spoken out loud, judgement often follows. But the truth is, people will judge no matter what you say or don’t say. That shouldn't stop us from being real.

This space is or women who feel like they have no one to talk to, those who are navigating complicated emotions, carrying quiet struggles, and wondering if anyone else truly understands. I hope this blog becomes a place to connect, ask for advice, share experiences, or simply vent with trusted women who can relate and offer support without judgement.

This is not a blog meant to take jabs at anyone or tear anyone down. It’s not about placing blame or rewriting anyone’s story. It’s about sharing real life experiences, acknowledging that blended families is messy, emotional, and far from perfect, and that’s okay to admit that. If even one woman feels less alone after reading this, then sharing these truths will have been worth it.